At this moment...

I am feeling lost. I sit back and ask myself why. I am not sure I can pin point my finger on just one thing. I can sit back and honestly say the last 8 months have been wonderful and I can't really recall a moment that I fell back into a feeling of depression. Im reluctant to even use the word depression now but for the moment that will be the word I use. The past 2 weeks have really tested and drained me so now I feel I am in a state of sadness. I know many will say you are blessed (yes I am) so there is no need to be sad. Granted I do have to agree but sometimes I swear the chemicals and hormones in my body have a different view. I have spent the past few days trying to kick the feeling but I guess until certain little things are resolved or more time has passed to heal the wounds that were inflicted it won't be that quick. I often wonder if my childhood had been a bit more easier if I would have this hard bout with depression. At 16 I was diagnosed with PTSD and 20 years later I still see some of the symptoms but hope I would get past them all. Granted the past 4 years have been so much easier but there are still those slip ups like this past week. At this moment I want to hide in a room from everyone or at least leave the house and be by myself. Since this is what I want and I am no where in that position to even have "me" time I just want to sit here and scream at someone or something. I feel helpless and frustrated and keep praying I can keep my temper in check but its hard. I keep thinking a nice nap could solve my snappiness but once again thats not in the cards either.
     Looking back I know my first answer to people about my upbringing was it wasn't easy and it was lonely. Nothing speaks volumes about how mentally messed up I could be when I say I came from a broken home full of anger that had no clue what love was. To top it off being molested by the one person who was the nicest to you for 8 years is even harder to wrap my brain around. I would have thought this would be the time that my mother stepped up to the plate and wanted to show me how much she loved me and how she was going to fix things. Instead I found myself kicked out of the house with no family willing to take me in (years down the road I discover my mother has informed them I am an unruly teenager ruining her marriage and to please not take me into their home). I was able to talk my uncle into taking me down to my ex-grandfathers house in PTC for a week and hoping things would work themselves out. Needless to say my mother held true to her word and shut the door on me and never attempted to contact me. I finally broke down 11 months later and called her but of course there was nothing resolved except how I messed up her marriage. SO strange to see ex-gradnfather isn't it? How else do I describe him? I call him my pawpaw and he is my grandfather but he isn't my mothers biological dad and he is no longer married to my grandmother but growing up he is the one that cared for me and to this day still loves me even though divorce ripped him apart from so many of our lives. Just thinking about him and his wonderful smile has made me smile. Maybe this is where I need to end my post tonight. Thinking of happy thoughts and just thinking about how much I love that man I call pawpaw.

The journey....

     I decided it was time to find my place in my life. I am not sure I understand 100% where I belong and who I am even though I thought I had gotten there. Every day is a challenge to be a better person but there are so many times I seem to forget about that challenge and I let my upbringing bring out the worst in me. Today is one of those days and I decided I needed to step up and fix myself. I don't know if that will ever be possible. I know things can be fixed but emotions are not things and because the scars are always there and sometimes its hard to change what the first 24 years molded you into. The first 16 years I have always called hell and the years following were my journey to come back from there. At the age of 24 a new journey started when I became a mother. The years following my first sons birth were the years I really had to learn that loving someone was not as awful as I thought it was. I may have not made some of the best decisions and I still don't make some of the best decisions but I do know that I want to be a happy, accepting, forgiving and loving mother/wife to my children and my husband. I am always quick to say I moved on from what brought me to where I am today but the reality is I do want my children to understand where I came from and why my actions are what they are. I am not always proud of my actions and I am the first to try to tell my children sorry and why I was wrong but I would love for the day to come that I can just be a wonderful mom without that past slipping in.
     I guess I need to go ahead and put my disclaimer out there that I am not an english major here trying to write a Pulitzer so I am not going to be all about too many run on sentences, wrong punctuation etc. I am here to tell my story. Somedays it may be about a certain part in my life that is affecting my thoughts and feelings then and then there may be weeks that I decide to stick with a timeline. As the years have passed I do know there are a lot of things I have suppressed and it may take me writing about other things to trigger those memories. I am not here to bring pity since I know there is such a large handful of people in this world who have been the victim of so many injustices. I love to tell people I am a survivor and I proved statistics wrong by being strong. I don't feel strong every day and now I think its time to share my story so that maybe I can get where I need to be in my life. I am truly blessed but there is still a large part of me that needs to be fixed. I may or may not ever be fixed 100% but I sure would love to hit 90%. Thank you for taking the time to read as I take the journey to find and fix myself.