I am feeling lost. I sit back and ask myself why. I am not sure I can pin point my finger on just one thing. I can sit back and honestly say the last 8 months have been wonderful and I can't really recall a moment that I fell back into a feeling of depression. Im reluctant to even use the word depression now but for the moment that will be the word I use. The past 2 weeks have really tested and drained me so now I feel I am in a state of sadness. I know many will say you are blessed (yes I am) so there is no need to be sad. Granted I do have to agree but sometimes I swear the chemicals and hormones in my body have a different view. I have spent the past few days trying to kick the feeling but I guess until certain little things are resolved or more time has passed to heal the wounds that were inflicted it won't be that quick. I often wonder if my childhood had been a bit more easier if I would have this hard bout with depression. At 16 I was diagnosed with PTSD and 20 years later I still see some of the symptoms but hope I would get past them all. Granted the past 4 years have been so much easier but there are still those slip ups like this past week. At this moment I want to hide in a room from everyone or at least leave the house and be by myself. Since this is what I want and I am no where in that position to even have "me" time I just want to sit here and scream at someone or something. I feel helpless and frustrated and keep praying I can keep my temper in check but its hard. I keep thinking a nice nap could solve my snappiness but once again thats not in the cards either.
Looking back I know my first answer to people about my upbringing was it wasn't easy and it was lonely. Nothing speaks volumes about how mentally messed up I could be when I say I came from a broken home full of anger that had no clue what love was. To top it off being molested by the one person who was the nicest to you for 8 years is even harder to wrap my brain around. I would have thought this would be the time that my mother stepped up to the plate and wanted to show me how much she loved me and how she was going to fix things. Instead I found myself kicked out of the house with no family willing to take me in (years down the road I discover my mother has informed them I am an unruly teenager ruining her marriage and to please not take me into their home). I was able to talk my uncle into taking me down to my ex-grandfathers house in PTC for a week and hoping things would work themselves out. Needless to say my mother held true to her word and shut the door on me and never attempted to contact me. I finally broke down 11 months later and called her but of course there was nothing resolved except how I messed up her marriage. SO strange to see ex-gradnfather isn't it? How else do I describe him? I call him my pawpaw and he is my grandfather but he isn't my mothers biological dad and he is no longer married to my grandmother but growing up he is the one that cared for me and to this day still loves me even though divorce ripped him apart from so many of our lives. Just thinking about him and his wonderful smile has made me smile. Maybe this is where I need to end my post tonight. Thinking of happy thoughts and just thinking about how much I love that man I call pawpaw.
My dear, I feel ya. Here I am, 36 years old, still reeling from a childhood of constant wrongs, homelessness, hunger and so on. I too was made out to be an unruly teen. Plus a whore, druggie, etc from my own mother when I turned my birth father in for his wrongs when I gained enough courage just before my 15th birthday. I was treated as though I was the bad one. Lied about and shunned.
ReplyDeleteI share this to say, I understand the struggle you are feeling. It never goes away but recognizing the the dips in the roller coaster is a big thing which you have done. The high points are great but the lows suck.lol. Not that you have asked my advice, but may I suggest looking into Motherwort tincture for those downs? I find it helps with mine. We have what Susan Weed {a wise herbalist} calls "childhood injuries". I just wrote a post on motherwort which includes the link to her article where she mentions it helps those with this. It never hurts to try hun. It is good to talk about what bothers you. never be shamed by that. It is good you recognize the root as well. We may be different in many ways and lives but both suffer from an injury caused by the entrusted adult during a most precious and forever imprinting stage of our lives. Motherhood and hormones I have found, can cause a resurfacing of something not healed. My most supportive & best wishes you are able to find a path of help for those down turn moments. You are not alone in struggles to understand or fix whatever causes these things. some wise words from..yep. The Lion King. Ya gotta believe in the Lion King ! lol~ : "The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it". Or for a more humbling one :"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us" ~Helen Kellar
Feel free to delete my comment hun. It is meant more personal to you then for the public, but leave it if you like as well. Sunshine dreams my dear!