The journey....

     I decided it was time to find my place in my life. I am not sure I understand 100% where I belong and who I am even though I thought I had gotten there. Every day is a challenge to be a better person but there are so many times I seem to forget about that challenge and I let my upbringing bring out the worst in me. Today is one of those days and I decided I needed to step up and fix myself. I don't know if that will ever be possible. I know things can be fixed but emotions are not things and because the scars are always there and sometimes its hard to change what the first 24 years molded you into. The first 16 years I have always called hell and the years following were my journey to come back from there. At the age of 24 a new journey started when I became a mother. The years following my first sons birth were the years I really had to learn that loving someone was not as awful as I thought it was. I may have not made some of the best decisions and I still don't make some of the best decisions but I do know that I want to be a happy, accepting, forgiving and loving mother/wife to my children and my husband. I am always quick to say I moved on from what brought me to where I am today but the reality is I do want my children to understand where I came from and why my actions are what they are. I am not always proud of my actions and I am the first to try to tell my children sorry and why I was wrong but I would love for the day to come that I can just be a wonderful mom without that past slipping in.
     I guess I need to go ahead and put my disclaimer out there that I am not an english major here trying to write a Pulitzer so I am not going to be all about too many run on sentences, wrong punctuation etc. I am here to tell my story. Somedays it may be about a certain part in my life that is affecting my thoughts and feelings then and then there may be weeks that I decide to stick with a timeline. As the years have passed I do know there are a lot of things I have suppressed and it may take me writing about other things to trigger those memories. I am not here to bring pity since I know there is such a large handful of people in this world who have been the victim of so many injustices. I love to tell people I am a survivor and I proved statistics wrong by being strong. I don't feel strong every day and now I think its time to share my story so that maybe I can get where I need to be in my life. I am truly blessed but there is still a large part of me that needs to be fixed. I may or may not ever be fixed 100% but I sure would love to hit 90%. Thank you for taking the time to read as I take the journey to find and fix myself.